Conservative Banking

Do you think you're too poor for banking? Not for Conservative Banking. Here at Conservative Banking we value our poorest customers. Without them how would our president find the change to pay the parking fare for his Rolls Royce? How would he be able to tip the bellboy when he flies off to an exotic paradise in his private jet? How would he be able to afford his newspaper? And as long as the poor are ready to sacrifice their basic needs, our president can make a good, sound, profitable investment with their money, such as a lunar ray gun to protect us from communists. So put your money where your hand-to-mouth is with Conservative Banking, where money makes you smart.
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© 2007, 2015. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Face the Truth

You know, this society of ours has a real problem with truth. Whose songs are being listened to on the internet these days, YouTube? Is there some remote spot on the globe where anyone can see the truth of my music's popularity? Why don't you let anyone see it here? The truth of my popularity consists of the real number of views on my web posts. Each of these views could be converted into dollars by an honest economic system. But our economic system has so far only supported fraud with my work, which has up to now been enabled by suppressing my popularity until I abandon my work. I'm following through with my music, and once all these criminal comics are finished going to prison for stealing my blogs, I will probably end up selling my comedy to their worst enemies. I'm even looking forward to possibly handing over Austin Powers to someone and helping him with the script, so the movie will turn out right. Even if the apparently government supported crimes against my music end up spoiling my music career, I can always write into my old age and I just know people would buy my book. People want truth. It's only their irresponsible leaders who would have them believe otherwise. The truth about 'lovable' stars like Ellen and Jay and Conan and Jimmy and Jon and Tina and Mike is that they are in reality cold blooded assassins who would gouge out your eyes for another second of fame. The longer this truth is suppressed, the harder it will be for them when the truth catches up with them. The truth about these self obsessed performers is that each and every one of them were hauled off for incarceration and punishment after being exposed as frauds by this account. Some of them are still incarcerated. The truth about George W. Bush and Dick Cheney is that they needed propaganda to help bolster morale through a very questionable war. They needed honest sounding songs on the radio and they needed comedy that appeared to poke fun at power, in order to create the illusion of an enlightened society that was doing Iraq a favor by invading. Were Iraqis impressed to hear American TV stars lampooning politicians and plutocrats? The truth is that these illegal actions brutally punished the author of their words for his attitude by committing fraud with his work. And my imaginative music must have helped a lot of people to escape the misery of their condition under such rotten leaders. The truth about responsible politicians who were in power during my appearance in 2007 is that they were all complicit with the massive fraud that followed. This would include my own MP. And I will be leaving my country so that I have one less hostile governing body against me in the new land of my choosing. The government owned CBC played a prominent role in these crimes. And the truth about stupid crimes is that they have stupid motives. Did I go online in 2007 and jokingly criticize my former job in the government as being too soft? You may now see how the most candy assed CBC staff would take exception to such a remark and seek revenge for it when my back was turned. And to Hell with my father who fought for this country and to Hell with my brothers who worked in the government all the way to retirement, right? Stupid. The truth about stardom is that it is not age dependent. One can be a star at any age. The truth about musical appeal is that the singer's voice is the most important element of a song. This is a long known fact which I found by research. I can't imagine what anyone would like about my voice except perhaps my sincerity. The truth about authoring talent is that it is rare. My work, for instance, all came from me. It did not come from a hundred different TV shows and twenty-five different bands. The most successful sitcoms of the 70's, 80's, and 90's were all written by the same small handful of authors. And out of all the music on the radio, only a small fraction appeals to the average listener. Further to that, almost none of the cartoons in the newspaper are actually ever amusing. The truth about the present is that it does not all hinge on the past. Some of it hinges on the future. One who lies and manipulates takes others to be stupid. Since networks like NBC lied and manipulated their viewers with my work, they must think their viewers are stupid. Trying to cover up their crimes with more lies now would be even more insulting to their viewers' intelligence. But I appeal to the intelligence of my readers in this account. I do not 'dumb down' my content for them because I don't think it is necessary. The truth about the average consumer is that the average consumer is much smarter than NBC. The truth about my current motive for being online is that I am here to secure justice, not attention. I'm not even bothering to practice my music until I am satisfied with my legal settlement. If my songs are more popular than the songs of attention seeking, self-appointed competitors, it's quite inadvertent on my part. The truth about those who call me a liar is that they have recently been released from jail or prison for crimes against me. If not, they have been paid by wealthy violators of my copyright to damage my work. The truth about any children who called me a liar is that they are dependents of people who committed crimes against me. The truth about a massive fraud consisting of thousands of copyright violations is that it is not diminished by being focused entirely on one target. The total number of victims of hit song fraud alone are countless music lovers. In my case, to their number we must add yet more countless comedy fans. The target is left alone to repair the damage of the crimes committed with his work while the ones who gained attention from it engage in continuous assaults on his work and image. When contemplating my bitter feelings towards broadcasters, try to remember that they wanted everyone to dance on my grave by now with my own music. They wanted everyone to mock my life by now with my own comedy. What started out as a casual online diversion for me has been turned into a life-and-death struggle, which occasionally causes me to explode with fury. And about those total strangers in the street, how's their 'hat'? (They don't spell well.) Hate is as healthy as ever among the five-o-clock-in-the-morning crowd, who may have confused their restraining orders with straining orders. As they sleep away the daytime, let's hope they're having nightmares.
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Less Ego, More Music

Did they all come out of the woods to pounce on my work after I said I needed a rest? I think I would rather have AIDS than what Blogger and YouTube have given me for my work in the last eight years. My music is selfless. This is because I write it from a pure motive, with no guarantee of any reward for my efforts. Whatever my lyrics might be, every one of my songs offers its listeners love. And this selflessness is in demand in our world. Without the odd selfless act to give us hope, we would be utterly demoralized by overwhelming selfishness, driven mostly by capitalists and their broadcasting systems. The creeps who stole my music were chosen to be honored as artists because of their selfishness, but such rewards might undermine the selfless motive of their victim, who must endure an endless snub by his fans to ensure that his new music remains pure. Nothing good seems to happen for anyone unless the motive is selfish. No one seems to do anything unless they are compensated for it somehow. And in this climate, the name of God is constantly invoked by politicians on behalf of the country. It is not just selfless of me to offer new songs after so many of my old songs were abused, it is selfless of me to go on living. If I were as selfish as the ones who stole my music, I would kill myself to escape the misery of being snubbed every day by my own fans in the street. I stay alive mostly for the sake of young girls who I have never met because I know I would break their hearts if I hung myself. So why don't you let the offenders stick it to me some more now? [Another 12:00 am copyright violation to make me suffer followed this note.] I won't kill myself. That means they can dance all over my head until I'm too old to go out and play my songs. I'm turning fifty this year and I started sharing songs online when I was forty-one. Not too much longer to go. And let their helpers out to get in my face some more in the street. Let them spread more malicious lies about me to shore up their flimsy apparition. And the greedy business sure knows how to capitalize on popular works that were all written by one author. They multiplied their profits by multiplying the number of stars of my music and comedy with their fraud. They had dozens of fraud stars making money for them with my work instead of just me on my own. Oh, but greed is good, right? Good for them, at least.
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Cutthroats Can't Create

In 2005 YouTube came online with the glowing promise, your fans await. They were sure right about that with my fans, some of whom have been waiting since 2006. This is because a whole lot more awaits you out there than just your fans. Predators await to steal your work and cash it in for themselves, while the greedy business awaits to profit from their crimes and leave you broke and homeless. Insecure, wealthy stars await to gang up against you. The media awaits to undermine your popularity by crediting anyone else who might hail them as heroes with authoring your works. And the bizarre effects of world attention await to play havoc with your brain as you are persistently ignored throughout an ordeal that can last for decades. What a long, miserable trip to my grave this has been turned into by cutthroat, attention seeking assholes and their money. On a more philosophic note, why do I share my work if it brings me so much grief? I asked myself the same question in late 2007 and decided to erase it all from the internet. Then look what happened. Once the public get their hands on you through the internet, you are stuck with your web fame. And if I'm going to be stuck with it, I want my work to be as good as possible. YouTube, which once told me that it wants to be a safe place for artists, should try to understand artists. Artists do not necessarily create and share work with the goal of being stars. Artists are simply born with talent and are compelled by nature to make positive use of this God given gift. My songs are mine, not God's. God gave me my talent, but it was my choice of my free will to struggle and to fashion new and original works of music and literature. An artist like myself can't help writing and sharing new things but YouTube could certainly help to protect him better from the horrors I have had to suffer as one their most popular choices in the last seven years. How are those commercials doing? Why do you tell us to 'increase our profits' with commercials that don't pay a cent? [Feb 2017: Sorry, I only recently learned about Adsense.].
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Fools with Power

I wonder how deeply people have thought about the ultimate source of their misery. In most cases, it can be traced to the irresponsible use of power by one who is unfit to hold power. What makes a person fit for power? The person most fit for power over others is the one who may sympathize with the greatest number of his people. This gives an intelligent leader like Obama an edge over a dumb leader like George W. Bush. (Let's not confuse W with his reasonably intelligent father.) This edge is not just intellectual but moral. An intelligent person can be occasionally dumb, such as when Condoleeza Rice wasted her gifts propping up a corrupt administration (though I would have been grateful if she could have written W's speeches in the spring of 2004, instead of leaving David Frum to steal them from my online posts) or when Leonard Cohen stole my poem Buck Henry or even when I inhale smoke from burning tobacco. Such humbling mistakes help an intelligent person to sympathize with a dumb person. But a dumb person like George W. Bush can't be intelligent. He can only envy and hate the intelligent and perhaps even go out of his way to destroy the intelligent. Did voters think that God favored George W. Bush just because he called himself a Christian? Then why did Hurricane Katrina make such a shambles of his war plans in 2004? Dumb presidents like George W. Bush give way to dumb stars like the Crystalids with my LP's or Nickleback with one of my hit songs or Tina Fey with mountains of my dialogues. A recent report of such a star ordering his workers to call me a joke shows the unsuitability of the stupid for stardom. Who would possibly find the gang rape of a solitary starving artist by dozens of wealthy spoiled stars funny? Only someone who is too stupid to understand the difference between right and wrong. And when we have people this bad in positions of power, it threatens to drag the whole population down to their level. Normally we would be protected against their stupidity by being able to reject them on the basis of their stupid work, but these bums had my intelligent songs and my intelligent blogs for years. I do not write songs or blogs to make people feel stupid. If I did, no one would like them. As an artist whose work has been embraced by multitudes, I occupy a special place that lets me see more than the average person. It is a very high place, but without money it is not always a joyful place. I see it as my artistic duty to use my talent to offer others a hand up to this peak and let them enjoy it for themselves. But the stupid stars who stole my work use such advantages strictly for selfish and destructive aims. As long as we're heading into another Saturday night, let me share some thoughts about Saturday Night Live. I am old enough to remember this show from its very beginning. Sometimes it was good and often it was bad. The same is true of Monty Python's Flying Circus, though their movies are hilarious. The only sketch comedy show that I recall being consistently funny was SCTV in its first two seasons under Harold Ramis. I would have to list SCTV as perhaps the chief influence on my comedy. So wasn't it odd that from late 2007 to 2010, Saturday Night Live stayed funny through show after show? (Throughout 2007, while my work was still online, Saturday Night Live only butchered my scripts, rather than plagiarizing them.) Their 2007-2010 streak was only possible by being able to draw from a vast, illegal resource of inspired work that came from a real life, my life. It was beautifully written work, sometimes even consisting of poetry. By all accounts, the public wildly embraced this work. And they used this work to promote themselves by destroying its author. They used it to manipulate the crowd into loving hates and hating loves. Now people know about it. Their 'head writer' and her chief accomplice went to prison. After stealing poetry, the whole twenty member cast should be putting their empty heads together to make every show rhyme from top to bottom. If they handed me their script, I could do it. But this stupid, dirty show would rather now try to prove that it never needed me. Stupid stars take forever to face reality.
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And That's the News

No one reads the blogs of the author who wants to sue our network for fraud, copyright violations, defamation, and personal injuries and who sent our former host to prison. Why? Because we say so. In the world of music, no one wants to hear the new rock music of the same author whose music we credited to malicious frauds to beat him over the head with for as many as eight years. As soon as it disappeared from the radio, people immediately lost interest in rock and started loving elevator music., such as Bonnie Cliff's hit single, Turn Around, Red Eyes. The only rock anyone likes now is the hateful noise of the semi-literate Abyzmals. Why? Because we say so. And you are not real. You are just a very convincing holographic illusion of our invention to help our government keep its census figures accurate. As such, you are utterly dependent on us for your reality. And that's the news.
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Head Case Files: Psychotic Detraction

(A school office. A teacher has delivered one of her Grade Five pupils to the principal.) Teacher: I think this child may need psychiatric attention. Principal: I see. Has he showed no signs of improving? Teacher: See for yourself. Go ahead and ask him a question. Principal: What shall I ask? Teacher: Anything. Principal: Very well... (He clears his throat.) Jeremy, how old are you? Jeremy: Twenty-six. Principal: Now, Jeremy, you know your arithmetic better than that. Jeremy: No I don't. Principal: You don't? Why not? Jeremy: Because Miss Zini hates boys. She only teaches the girls. Teacher: (Gasping) Why you incorrigible little - Jeremy: See? Teacher: I'll have you know, young man, that I have been teaching at this institution since - Principal: That will be quite unnecessary, Miss Zini. I am aware of your impeccable record. Yes, I can see that the boy may be psychopathic. We'd better contact his parents. Teacher: They're unavailable. His father is out of town on an advertising campaign and his mother is out of the country to report on a plane crash.
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