Surgeon General's Warning: The Whole Truth about Smoking

Although this ad is tongue-in cheek, can anyone yet see why corporations would have supported the murderous scheme to turn my enemies into stars with my work behind my back? (A man in a white lab coat smiles broadly from behind his desk. On his head is the army helmet of a five star general. On his black tie is a shiny Staff of Asclepius pin.) Stern Background Voice: The following is an important message from your Surgeon General. Hello, trusting broadcast consumers. The corporate ad men who stuff their pockets with billions of dollars of public money each year to pay for anti-smoking campaigns withhold the whole truth about smoking. They only ever warn of cancer or lung disease, which pose little or no threat until at least middle age, leaving the youth population feeling more secure about adopting the life shortening habit. Without a new generation of smokers to warn every year, such corporate ad men would be out of a job, but as a physician, I draw my pay from improving public health, making it my responsibility to discuss smoking's harm effectively. Smoking poses a wide range of risks far worse than cancer, most of which stem from the manifold menace of unfair discrimination. Smokers are a minority group which may be terrorized by superior numbers of non-smokers. To light a cigarette anywhere outside the privacy of your home has become much the same as it was for Nazi Germany's Jews to wear the yellow star: it is to invite the hate of your fellow citizens, driving you to premature death by suicide. Such brutal discrimination imposes severe employment restrictions on smokers from non-smoking employers who refuse to pay for smoke breaks. Job applicants are forced to either deny their addiction at job interviews and then confine their habit to the catacombs, where they may contract typhus or bubonic plague, or more frequently, to hopelessly try to make ends meet with the low paying jobs that nobody else wants, such as digging up sump pumps for ten dollars an hour. This reveals another rarely advertised smoking related health risk: wretched poverty. Those ads on cigarette packs are expensive, almost doubling the retail price of tobacco products, and since smoking suppresses the appetite, many impoverished smokers will spend their last twenty-two dollars on a pack of cheap smokes, rather than on food, a catch-22 that quickly leads to emaciation and death. If you smoke nowadays, you'll probably die of malnutrition or outright starvation long before you get cancer. On the way, you may also come down with leprosy from having to smoke the filthy, trodden on, partially consumed cigarettes of total strangers. So beware of anti-smoking ads. They pretend to be on your side but they are really trying to kill you faster. Avoid smoking and send those devious corporate ad men to the unemployment line. See how they like it! From the Office of the Surgeon General, I'm Doctor Frank N. Stein.
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© 2007, 2015. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.