Staying Low Profile

I must warn you of the most powerful force known to man. It's not money. It's not nuclear energy. It's not even collective ego of every star in Hollywood. The most awesome force on this planet is girl power. The Spice Girls had it, and now it has passed down to me. I first fell victim to this power in 2007, when I first shared my song Size on YouTube. Suddenly my life was no longer my own. My head had turned into a satellite dish, receiving signals that drove me to the library to write funny blogs against my will. I tried to resist by erasing all my online posts and it almost killed me. When I inadvertently rewrote Size in 2010 and felt the girl power swarming around me for the second time, I knew that I must obey it. As long as you cooperate, you may survive. But woe to those who would oppose it. Girls favor the internet and I have been prominent on the internet since at least 2004, possibly earlier. Many girls learned how to read by reading my blogs. Thanks to me, they know that cocksucker is all one word. And when you have the attention of a lot of girls on the internet, criminals may risk their lives by messing with your posts. Do not be fooled by my low profile. Without it I could not have recovered so much work from my bleak past. That was why Dateline NBC wanted to rush me onto the stage back in 2011 and 2012. It would have protected NBC stars from the fierce legal action I took against them in 2013, which also convicted Dateline NBC. My girl power will stay invisible until I can get my songs on the road. For now, it lurks in the shadows of schoolyards and playgrounds across the globe. Now here's a little word to those guys who were so concerned about the time on my way home from the library earlier. Are you the same gang who keeps trying to take away the credit for other people's achievements? Who is this nasty bunch who keep crediting themselves every time my fans burn down a fraud? They like to let everyone else do the work on the web and then point to it and say it's theirs. Well, guys, those sweet fans of mine organized themselves yesterday and clicked their little hearts out to clean up my work and my image. How dare you try to take that away from them. You know who else likes to protect little girls from the likes of you? Police. Check your watch again and see the hour of your reckoning. You locals who thought you could have my way with me because I look so 'weak' are up against tens of millions of girls. They're onto you and they will hunt you down like a drunken posse. You're doomed. And now let me add a little support to ease the burden of my fans from my side. If someone says my work is fraud and it stays online, he has exposed himself as a liar and an image violator and may be punished. If someone says I went to prison and my work stays online, he has exposed himself as a liar and an image violator and may be punished. But most of these kinds of lies are local lies, resting flimsily on the low profile I have in this region. Outside this region, where perhaps my online popularity is visible, such lies would instantly fail. To the people of my region, consider the words of the Lord: happy are those who do not see and yet believe. Gentlemen, the girls have spoken. I think we can at least be thankful to know that our future rests in the hands of these little darlings, but I may have to become a Mormon so that I can marry them all when they grow up.
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© 2015. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.