(Walton's Mountain. A bearded hermit, holding a shotgun, stands with his back to the camera, taking in the sweeping majesty of the rich landscape. He turns to face the camera with a broad smile and red rimmed eyes.)
Hermit: Howdy! I'm Mountain Jack. Twenty years ago, I left my job as a strip club bouncer and came up here to the mountain to start living right. I didn't know how to build a log cabin and had to spend my first year in a tent. One morning I awoke to see a gigantic grizzly bear standing over me. I couldn't reach my shotgun and I thought I was a goner. But the bear only wanted one dance and then he left. Turned out he had eaten some of these here plants and they made him extra friendly. I tried some in my salad and they had the same effect on me. They made sleeping on bedrock so cushy that I decided to call the plants 'Cush'. Been cultivating them ever since. Every month, I drop off a bale at Jeb's Convenience Store, located 46 miles outside of Sticksville, Oblivion, to help the world overcome its differences for the bargain price of ten dollars a gram. Whether you chew it or smoke it or grind it up and snort it or even use it as a suppository, Mountain Jack Cush is guaranteed to put you in a right neighborly frame of mind. Hell, it even lets me get along with hippies! Enjoy the mountain beauty of Mountain Jack Cush, and start getting friendly - before we blow ourselves all to Kingdom Come with thermonuclear weapons. (He turns and sees that a bear is eating his crop.) Stop! Thief! (He raises his shotgun and fells the animal, then approaches and kills it with an execution style blast to the head.)
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