Safer Sex with Polly Foolscap

First up on Safer Sex, all of the men, women and children involved in the latest big scandal have testified that no oral favors were performed - even if they were deserved. Now that this has been established, the court will hear charges of treason and crimes against humanity. One way to make sex safer is by eliminating partners. Auto-erotic stimulants have an ancient history. Roman women of high position, who drained athletes of sweat for cosmetic use, are credited with having fashioned the earliest pleasure sticks from the dislocated organs of fallen gladiators. However, the church blamed the empire's fall on the lowered birth rate, which had apparently been caused by the tools, and banned them for thirteen centuries. It wasn't until the scientific advances that enabled taxidermists to stuff the heads and other parts of ferocious beasts in the eighteenth century that wild Quaker women would pick up the torch for modern sexual enlightenment and lead us into a bold new age - perhaps on horseback. New plastic compounds finally produced the modern propylene phallus, whose artificial composition simulates organic tactility with astonishing precision. On the other hand, those of you who practice outdoor group sex should be on the lookout for aphids. The creatures are small and undetectable and may take advantage of the disturbance caused by your orgy to escape the tyranny of their ant overlords by stowing away somewhere on your person. They prefer to graze on armpits and other hairy regions and can only be killed by herbal essence shampoo. That's our show for today. For Safer Sex, I'm Polly Foolscap reminding everyone: let's be careful down there.
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© 2007, 2015. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.